Title: Barely Breathing
Disclaimer: I do not own Roswell, so please don’t sue me.
Summary: Falling in love for the first time is never as quite as simple as people would like to believe.
AN: There’s a quote in here that belongs from the movie The Lake House. Its not mine and copyright infringement isn’t intended. I got to admit I'm hestitant about posting this, but what's life without some risks right. Many thanks to jbangelo
for leting me know that I haven't gone too off the course with this one.
‘I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning ‘
The very air she breathed in was filled with a heady dose of those very words, and she could believe that here a person could be anyone they wanted to be. Bright lights danced in her view as she craned her neck up to stare at the neon signs all the while trying to not look like a gaudy tourist, although truth be told that’s what she was.
They didn’t have anything like this in Roswell, nor the other places she had been to while on the run from the Special Unit. Then again it wasn’t like her guardian had been interested in anything made by the humans, as he had countless times told her that their world had sights million of times more worthy than the ones that they were stuck with. Maybe once ago, she would have agreed with his opinions as she had been taught that to disagree with Nascedo wasn’t worth the pain it brought to her.
A small sigh escaped her lips as she thought back to the being who had raised her from the time she had broken out of her pod. He had taught her that to be human was weak, but as she thought back to just the other day when those very same humans had fought along side the other podsters to save the world she could believe in that moment that Nascedo hadn’t known everything.
Pink lips curled up sadly as she thought that indeed he hadn’t known everything. He had left her alone in this world with nothing more than his hate filled propaganda and his disdain for the very species who outnumbered them, yet she was finding out just how extraordinary these so called lower species really were. It was slow going, but she was learning.
Shaking aside those heavy thoughts, she was startled by the stranger who bumped into her on the crowded sidewalk. As she looked around, she realized that she had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk causing a minor pedestrian accident. Hurrying along, she continued her walk and stopped to stare at any display that caught her attention.
She found herself coming back to one particular display of sports memorabilia and thought of the boy who held such fascination to her. Unknowingly a full smile graced her face as she thought of one Kyle Valenti. When they first had met, she hadn’t thought much of him besides the fact that he was cute, for a human that was. After moving in, she had gotten to see a side of Kyle that she didn’t think many people had ever seen. Oh sure, he teased her about being green and having antennas, but she had recognized that underneath all those wisecracking jokes was someone who was just as lonely as she was.
Even with having found the others, she still found herself all alone and thought that even with the emotionally disturbed alien she had for a parental figure she had more acceptance. How was it that even being with the others made her more aware that she didn’t belong anywhere? Turning away from the display, she looked up and found her view of the night sky blinded by those oh so bright lights that previously fascinated her.
Would she find any acceptance in a place that held no real memories for her? Right now the only place that felt like home was with one Earthling who seemed just as lost as she was sometimes. When she was with Kyle, she felt just a bit less lonely and more accepted. She didn’t have to be anything rather than the teenage girl she was. No knowledge giver. No fortuneteller with tales of destiny. No. She could just be Tess Harding, although she was still working on who exactly Tess Harding was.
Pushing away a strand of hair, she continued her walk and wondered exactly who she wanted to be. She didn’t know much about Tess Harding, but she did know that she craved to be that girl. The girl who could fall in love with a guy and just be happy. The girl who had sleepovers and friends to gossip with. The girl who was just confident in everything she did. The girl who laughed just because.
‘Shit. I’m pretty sure I just described Liz Parker before her and Max had that fallout.’ A bittersweet smile curved her lips up as she thought of what else Liz Parker had that she wanted for herself. The undivided attention of one Kyle Valenti.
‘The one guy I would want to give my heart to freely, and I can never show him how I really feel.’ Deep down inside she knew that she would never be given that chance to be that girl. Those fledging feelings that wanted to blossom into something more could never grow as she had long ago realized that fate had something else planned for her. No matter how much she wanted to be someone different, she couldn’t change who she was meant to be.
Destiny. It left a bitter taste in her mouth now, where once before it flowed off seductive and powerful. It had given her hope for acceptance and a future that couldn’t be taken away. It had given her hope for a home.
Funny how it wasn’t the boy she had been destined to be with that made her feel like she had come home. Home she was realizing all too late was where the heart lead you. Unknowingly her heart had lead her somewhere else, and while she craved it with all her being, she couldn’t have it. Then again who was to say that Kyle felt anything for her at all?
The very thought shattered her more than anything else ever could. Ever since she had arrived in Roswell, she had been aware that he felt something for her, but somehow she was starting to think that it wasn’t with the intensity that she felt for him. Sometimes she got the feeling that he viewed her as part of his family and not in the way she wanted to be. While she knew that she couldn’t be the girl for him, she didn’t want to be his sister or anything remotely like that. She wanted more. God, how she wanted more.
The irony that she wanted more when she couldn’t have it even if it was offered to her didn’t escape her notice. Pulling her coat closer in the night air, she found herself back in front of her hotel. As she hurried along to the entrance as she realized that she would be late to the dinner Maria had planned, she came to a halt as she came face to face with the very boy who had been plaguing her thoughts for months.
Taking in the easy grin that he was giving her, she took a deep breath and realized that indeed the air was seductive and sensual here. Not because of the bright lights and the attractions, rather it was the underlying attraction of a second chance and reinventing one’s self.